Title: Monkeys and Bats-an H&M parody
Started: 1/16/00
Finished: 1/17/00
Written by: DW
Rated: PG for language and content (suggestiveness ;)

Writer’s note: For those who cannot take large amounts of dry humor, stupidity, and less than satisfactory writing, bugger off. =P For the rest of you still here, you are hereby warned. Not exceptionally funny written by a not exceptionally funny person.

Standard disclaimers apply, and that's that.

It is after Galaxia and Haruka and Michiru are taking a well earned rest.

Haruka is chopping branches out of her way with a machete not unlike like her Space Sword.
"You call this a vacation, Michiru?" she says irritably.

Michiru daintily stepped over the branches Haruka left behind her, "Ara, love, it’s lovely here,  except for the insects." As if to prove her point, she swatted an exceptionally buzzing fly hovering by her ear.

"Damn bugs," Haruka mutters, "You would think insect repellant would do something against this little monsters. I might as well go nude."

Michiru batted her eyes, "That would be a nice change."

Haruka flushes slightly.

"Think this bug bad?" their guide, Jipano, laughs uproariously, as he had to every other sentence Haruka spoke, "Not bad as 1987! Land of buzzing! Horrible! Very very bad! You not like! Ha ha  ha ha!"

"I’ll tell you what I don’t like," Haruka mutters under her breath.

Michiru pinches her lightly, "Patience, dear. You promised to work on that."

Haruka scowls, "Him and his damn ‘evil monkeys’."

Jipano turned very serious, "Don’t make fun of evil monkeys! They chop head off quick quick quick! Evil evil! They no good! They come to camp and kill many! Sooo many! Not good not  good! Jipano only small boy, but Jipano remember. Evil! Evil monkeys! Worse than boa constrictor come in tent! I tell you that?"

"Yes," Haruka growled.

The guide continued anyway, "Big snake animal! Come in and wrap around girl neck!"

"Wish it was yours," Haruka answered none too nicely.

"Me save! Me big hero! Me take knife and choppy head! Yes yes!"

Michiru laughed pleasantly at his grammar while Haruka continued to glower all the way back to camp.


Haruka stuffed the dirty clothes into her bag, muttering incoherently under her breath. Michiru had  innocently opened a window whilst she was dressing, inevitably leaving Haruka vulnerable to the  demon insects which presided in this area of the continent.

Scratching an itch, Haruka turned and glared around the cabin-like room. It was small, equivalent  to the size of their closet back in Japan. There was one very large, very uncomfortable bed, two chairs, and a rickety old table her bag was set upon. A stinky, molding bathroom to the right and two doors front and back without locks made her exceedingly uncomfortable whenever nightly activities with Michiru happened to occur.

"You call this living conditions?" she complained loudly, "I was all for the Bahamas or Hawaii or even Italy again, instead we’re stuck in the middle of a rain forest infested with bugs, insects, ticks, and anything nasty that crawls."

Michiru feigned a hurt expression, "Ara, I suppose the company isn’t best, either."

Haruka scowled, "One word about Jipano and I’m getting the next flight out of here."

Michiru was about to retort back a reply when a loud noise banged against the outside wall.

"Nooooo! Evil monkeys come back! Stay away stay away!" Jipano’s voice came screaming from the other side of camp (which was approximately fifteen feet away).

The two women rushed to the door, Haruka spraying an extra dose of insect repellant for good measure.

Coming out, Michiru gasped at the mess. Food lay scattered about the ground, mixed with mud and already crawling with ants and the like. Pots and pans banged in the furry little hands of orange monkeys swarming around the camp.

Jipano had run away to wherever one runs away when being attacked by monkeys.

Haruka took the initiative, "Shoo! Scat!" she threw an apple at a monkey. The monkey let out a  chatter, deftly catching the apple and throwing it back.

Haruka ducked and roared after the little devils, grabbing her machete. She seemed determined to chop a few of their little heads off.

Then she heard Michiru scream.

"Haruka! Haruka look!"

The woman turned to see the monkey’s which had stolen Michiru’s five thousand yen safari hat.

Haruka, irritated enough with the little beasts, ran after the monkeys who had stolen her beloved’s  precious hat.

"Haruka stop!" Michiru cried, "Matte! You’ll hurt yourself!"

The blonde took no notice and continued tramping through the forest, soon disappearing from sight.

Jipano appeared suddenly, "Not worry, Kaiou-Miss! Lot people die in forest, but not when me around!"

Michiru sighed.


The monkey chattered in front of her, obviously laughing at Haruka’s stumbles.

Haruka swore, wishing that she had brought her machete. Coming through an exceptionally thick brush, the blonde reaches a clearing and comes to a stop.

The jungle is silent.

"Monkey no baka!"

She whirled around to march back to camp when she was stopped by a group of ferocious looking monkeys.

"Ano...I didn’t-"

The rest of the sentence is irrelevant, for the fact Haruka never finished it. Being chased by angry monkeys tends to leave one’s sentences at a halt. Haruka did manage to transform though and the words heard a mile away verify,

"Uranus Planet Power Make-up!"


Michiru heard more than felt Haruka’s transformation. She grabbed Haruka’s forgotten machete and raced off, ignoring Jipano’s exclamations of danger.

Haruka would have only transformed if she was in trouble, or she was very, very angry.


As fate would have it, the reasons of Haruka’s transformation was both. Not only was she furiously mad at the little beasts now swarming over each other, she was in a very real danger of being marauded by very ugly mammals.

*It’s times like these I wish I were fighting daimons again,* Uranus thought sourly, throwing another ‘world shaking’ at the shrieking monkeys.

So involved with the animals clawing over her back, Uranus didn’t notice the big fuzzy orange ape stomping over to her. She did notice, however, when the ape roared two inches from her face. By then it was too late to do anything as the ape knocked her upside the head.


The blonde is oblivious to her lover’s cries as she is carried away by the evil ape and the chattering monkeys.

Determined not to let her beloved slip away so easily, Michiru reached out for her transformation pen.

Just as Jipano reached out for her.

"Quiet, Kaiou-miss!" he hissed, dragging her into the bushes with surprising strength, "Them monkeys is evil."

Michiru struggled to stand upright. And when she did, Haruka was gone.

*I’ll find you, Ten’ou Haruka,* she vows silently, ignoring Jipano’s babble, *I will find you, and then the evil monkeys will pay.*


Her head hurt as if a giant mallet had squashed her brain. To make matters worse, the sun was blinding when Haruka awoke. She was, fortunately, protected from its rays by the scrunched face peering at her curiously.

"Kyaaa!" Haruka scrambled backwards.

The monkeys shrieked and pointed, but remained their distance, learning their lesson from their previous encounter with the tall hairless yellow ape.

Haruka looked around, observing her surroundings. It looked like some sort of monkey lair.

"Haroo gharumf hoo hee hoo ha hin hemph!"

Haruka had no idea what the monkey said, but when the giant orange ape meandered next to her, she took it as ‘walk forward and say nothing’.

Walking to the center of the miraculously bare ground in the rain forest, Haruka eyed the ape next to her. She recognized him as the one who had bashed her head not long ago. Before she could say something, the monkeys immediately fell silent and prostrated themselves toward something behind her.

Haruka turned and raised an eyebrow.

There stood a most ridiculously decorated female monkey wearing purple shells and stolen trinkets from other unfortunate camps.

The ape shoved her forward.

Stumbling slightly, Haruka raised her head up high, staring down at the monkey before her.

The Monkey Queen stared back up haughtily. She chattered something in Monkey Language.

Though Haruka was not fluent in the language of monkeys, she could understand by the monkey’s body language that she was supposed to kneel and bow as the other monkeys were doing.

The blonde’s eyes narrowed as she began to bend down.

And spat on Queen Monkey’s feet.

The other monkeys went crazy, hooting and screaming, waving their arms around with the kind of energy you never see in zoos.

The Queen Monkey began to spit back (literally ;) what was undoubtedly insults.

Two big orange apes, one of which had been Haruka’s captor, grabbed the woman each by an arm and dragged her away.

*This is not good,* the blonde thought grimly.


After Michiru was done yelling at Jipano for letting the monkeys get Haruka, she ordered him to take her to the ‘evil monkey place’ as he called it.

Jipano was very reluctant to say the least.

"I will offer money," Michiru said finally.

Jipano’s eyes lit with that, but he remained adamant, "Money no worth if not alive spending," he said stoutly.

Michiru at least could give him credit for his desire to live, "I will double it," she amended.

Jipano shook his head, "No."

Michiru pursed her lips in thought. She would never find Haruka without his help, "Triple it."

Jipano’s eyes gleamed at that, but he glared back at her, "Not enough."

"Quadruple it then," Michiru snapped.

He shook his head.

A very low growl could be heard in the back of Michiru’s throat. This man’s greed was not going to come between her and her lover. She still held Haruka’s machete in her hand and was determined to use it.

She spoke very slowly and very deliberately, making sure he would understand it, "If you not take me evil monkey place I kill, got that?" she threatened.

Jipano sweated, "Yessee ma’am!"


Haruka’s head now felt lightheaded and dizzy. Opening her eyes, she wondered briefly if she was blind, but decided it was because she was in a dark place, not because of her eyes.

Searching for her transformation pen, Haruka groans softly when she realizes the monkeys had taken it.

"I swear I’ll kill every one of them," she growled, standing up shakily. If she remained shoulders slumped and crouched, her head didn’t feel as dizzy.

Haruka reaches inside her space pocket and pulls out a match. Lighting it quickly, she holds it up to see where she is.

Thousands of eyes click open.

Haruka’s match is suddenly blown out by the collective force of thousands of little wings flying around her.

Haruka screams as the furry things swarm over her.



Jipano was nervously walking through the forest, the machete was pressed surely against his back as a constant reminder of what he was doing and why.

"I very brave," he said weakly, "I kill all monkey. I be knight of bright metal."

Chaos swarmed over them just as fast as the monkeys did.

"Monkey," Jipano’s eyes glazed and he fainted dead away.

Michiru wasted not a moment in grieving for the unfortunate guide as she transformed, "Neptune Planet Power Make-up!"
There came a series of shrieks from the monkeys as they were dazzled by the bright lights and strange noises.

Sailor Neptune glared at them, "Take me to your leader!"

The monkeys glanced at each other. Turning around, they walked obediently to the monkey lair. Neptune followed.


Queen Monkey was not happy.

First it was the tall, hairless yellow ape that had attacked her babies, and now a scout told her another strange being was coming.

Queen Monkey glared as the being walked into her tree palace. She started yelling in Monkey Language, insulting first the hairless monkey’s mother ape and father pig.

Then she stops.

And stares.

The being had green hair of leaves.

Never in her life had the Queen Monkey been honored such a presence. She had heard stories and legends of the great ones whose powers called upon greatness and of the goddess’ green hair of leaves. Queen Monkey fell to her knees in worship.

The monkeys ‘ooh’ed and quickly prostrated themselves before Sailor Neptune.

Sailor Neptune stared down at them in a very regal pose, "Where is Haruka?"

The Queen Monkey looked puzzled, then understood, nodding triumphantly. She lead Michiru to the cave, "Ooh ee ohh ah eh oh oooooh!"

Neptune was aghast, "You left her in the Cave of Bats?!"


Haruka had always secretly prided herself on being known for bravery and fearlessness. She did her best to keep it that way. But, no matter how brave or fearless, one always has some hidden fear, some secret, terrifying thought that makes them tremble. And for Haruka, it is bats.

When she was a child she often played and fought with the boys, which inevitably led to allies and enemies (it did prove helpful later on in strategic battle ;). One such enemy was Brian Hostlen, an English boy who considered himself the best baseball player at school.

Having Haruka beat him repeatedly in the number of games and, more personally, their record of home runs, he was intent on getting back.

Stealing his older brother’s trick toy, Brian snuck behind Haruka in the classroom and clamped the toy bat on the girl. Her tough attitude had suffered greatly when she let out the following ear-splitting scream.

Haruka could remember clearly how much blood (or what looked to be blood) had spurted from the toy bat. And though decking out the boy and getting him expelled offered some amount of satisfaction, she remained in fear of bats hence forth.

Which was why Neptune had to find Haruka quickly. For if the Queen Monkey’s tale was true, there wouldn’t be much of Haruka left if she didn’t reach her soon.

The monkey waited outside anxiously.


Haruka stumbled over the rock. "Bat! Bat, bat, bat bat batbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbat," she laughed derisively, "Bats everywhere!"

The flying mammals had left to feed, Haruka was sure, on some poor hapless victim. They were just leaving her alive so they could come back and torture.

"Bat bat bat!" she clapped her hands together like a kindergartner singing the rainbow song, "Bats here, bats there, bats everywhere!"

Suddenly, the wall behind her turned. Without warning, Haruka fell through the opening.

"Waaaaaah!" the senshi landed rather ungraciously on her bottom.

There was a deep breathing.

Haruka looked up slowly.

Giant yellow eyes opened to meet hers.

King Bat stared at his new victim.

Haruka screamed.


Neptune cover ears in pain as the screams echo off the wall.

"That’s Haruka!" she cried and she ran off to where she hoped the echoes were coming from.


Haruka cowered against the wall, "Back, evil demon!"

King Bat snarl, chittering in Bat Language.

Haruka snarls back, now frustrated at herself, and used the anger as fuel, "You’ll never have  me! Go suck mud!"

King Bat shriek in outrage (worst insult to bat ;).

King Bat heaved up into the air and dived down at the blonde.

Haruka dodged and landed a hard one in his stomach.

She was mad now.

Left and right, punching here and there, wherever she could contact with his filthy fur she hit. "Evil evil!" she shouted, "Evil bats! Die evil bats! You’re worse than the monkeys!"

Unfortunately, King Bat proved too strong. He slammed the blonde against the wall.

"Deep Submerge!"

The bat let out a shriek as water pummeled into his mouth with a salty bitterness. He choked and spat.

Neptune gathered the dazed Haruka in her arms, planting a kiss on her forehead.

Haruka gave sigh of relief, "You’re late!"

"I’ll make up for it later," Neptune winked and handed her the transformation pen.

Haruka took it firmly, "Uranus Planet Power, Make-up!"

Together, they whupped King Bat’s tush.

An hour later he was on his claws groveling for mercy.

Uranus stared at the bat, who had once her evil nightmare was now her victim. "I will let you live," she said coldly, "But only to know the worthlessness of your life. You will never haunt  me again."

Neptune wrapped an arm around her lover.

They walked out together.


The monkeys saw their heroes coming out, limping slightly but otherwise fine. They hooted and cheered in victory.

Queen Monkey walked out. The monkeys fell silent. The Queen of Monkeys bowed to Neptune. Turning, she did the same to Uranus, but even deeper.

Uranus raised an eyebrow.

Neptune just shrugged.


Time passed and the wounds against monkeys, bats, and hairless apes healed. Haruka, fully recovered against her traumatic encounter with King Bat, set out with Michiru to visit the monkeys one last time.

Arriving at the monkeys lair, Queen Monkey presented to them a statue erected at the center of the monkey lair. It would be christened, "Goddess of Green Leaves and Yellow Water."

Haruka, still not understanding the Monkey Language, decided not to bother deciphering its meaning and let Michiru show their gratitude for her.

"We thank you for your hospitality and kindness, despite our previous conflicts," Michiru said to the monkeys, "Farewell, good mammals."

Haruka smiled, Michiru looked so cute hooting like a monkey.


A day later in the house of the Outer Senshi, Haruka sends Hotaru off to bed, giving Setsuna leave to her new date.

"It’s too quiet here," Haruka remarked, hopping onto their bed.

"Ara, it is," Michiru agreed, drying up from a luxurious bath, "I miss the noise of the rain forests."

"Even the monkey hooting," Haruka said dryly, but a mischievous glint could be seen in her eyes. "You never did make up for being late to my rescue, you know."

Michiru smiles, "Ara, I didn’t, did I?"

The lights flicked off and the windows were shut. The house was soon filled with animal noises of the jungle.


DW ^_^